They had lived together for å year now, and those who knew them would describe them as the perfect couple. Her friends would say that he made her better, even go so far as to say that he had fixed her and made her whole again. She was in love, and after all the disappointments she had had in her life, to let herself love again was a huge statement of trust, it was a gift she gave with caution. And now he had taken this gift and returned it to her with: “I don’t love you anymore”.
The words rang clear through the living room. She looked at him sitting on the sofa, his arms folded like he prayed, his head bent down, he couldn’t even look in her eyes. A million things ran through her mind, like if she ran in to a huge flock of birds, and like birds her thoughts flew up in the air and flew away all at once, in a distance it looked like a black cloud, and she knew there would be rainy days ahead. What have I done wrong, she asked herself. Am I that difficult to live with? Am I not pretty enough, caring enough? Oh, I have given this my all, please let me fall back in to your arms, make this better, please oh please make this better. She tried to postpone the sorrow, the hit by not saying anything. Trying to fool herself that it was in fact something completely different he had said. Give me just tonight, let me have a glass of wine or six, and let us celebrate life and the good times whe had, and let me get drunk and pass out from this madness. And then you leave, then you take your things and go.
Her thoughts flew all over her mind. The angry ones: You bastard! Do you know how much I changed for you? How hard I worked on this relationship? The hurt ones: Don’t leave. I will be better, I can do better, I can be nicer, and prettier, and thinner, and happier. The sensible ones: Who owns the stuff we bought together? How do we divide all this, our home? But finally, from the back of her mind, and from the deepest root that was her, and had been her for all her life, born when her father left her, feed from the pain of her breakup with her last boyfriend, nurtured by the sorrow when her mother got sick; hardness. The brick wall to put all emotion behind, to hide them or to lock them in, whatever was necessary at the time. She felt it calming the birds; she felt it giving her strength. Give him nothing it whispered, and she knew it did not refer to their mutual belongings, but to her self-worth.
If he had looked up, he would see the change in her face, the exact moment where it would be too late for him to take this back, to mend the gap between them. There would never be a way back from this point. But he did not look up, not even when she said; “Ok” followed by; “if that’s how you fell, you better leave” She hesitated for a moment and at that second a thought as small as a hummingbird, climbed the wall and flew out of her and carried with her a tiny bit of the hurt, and before she could help herself; “Is there someone else?” He had gotten up and was walking to the door, it felt as though they stood miles apart, he turned and looked at her, his eyes filled with tears. Like he was the one who was the sad one, the hurt one. Like it was the man letting the atom-bomb drop that was sorry, and not the children who ran from it.
A bomb, yes, it felt as though he had dropped a bomb on her, out of the clear blue sky it had dropped. How could she not have noticed that he had fallen out of love? Did not his touch seem just as warm as it always had been, his kisses not as friendly, loving, his smile did it not reach his eyes? Yes, he had been tired, and worked a lot lately, but everyone got tired once in a while, every couple had rough patches and fights. One is not supposed to be afraid of someone leaving every time one disagrees?! This is insane, she thought. Her breath grew shallow, and she knew she was going to break down at any time, the wall did not hold, not for this tsunami, not for these emotions so strong, not for her loving him still.
Finally; “No, there is no one else”, his voice flat. He stood there looking at her, waiting for her to say something, anything, but in her mind she prayed; leave, leave now; I can’t hold this is in no more… She trembled under the restraint of holding her tears. He sighed, and turned and was out the door in a heartbeat. She ran to the door and locked it, and as the lock kicked in to place she fell to the floor, and broke once more.
