The routine is killing me. Over and over again I repeat and re-do everything. Once a day, once a month, every second month. My work has become this effortless repeat of routines. Efficient? Yes, for sure. Creative? Fun? Engaging? Hell, no.
It kills creativity. Budgets. Sales-statistics. Accounting. Black and white. All is black and white. And repetitive. I am in a roundabout, going in circles, trying to catch my tale. My mind is rotting, floating effortless above it all, not having to try, to work hard at anything no more.
I see myself as a robot in a booth. Working on the things that never end, the job that is never done. Next month it’s all the shit all over again. And again. I will someday turn to dust in front of this computer, with my pencil and calculator by my side. Is this a career? Pushing numbers from one column to another for the rest of my life?
I realize I can with 99 % certainty predict what I am doing on this exact date, two, five or ten years from now. I am slowly losing vitality, curiosity and creativity.
I do crosswords on Saturdays, thinking that my effortless job and rotting brain will lead me to senility if not challenged. And with huge disappointment I realize I am loosing word by the minute, my vocabulary is leaking synonyms by the bucket.
I need a change. I am scared of change. Terrified. Now I am best at what I do. I am on time, and don’t do mistakes and I know everything there is to know. Change will make all that go away.
I have to put my confidence on the scale and weigh it against….Against everything else. Especially, I think, against my sanity.
But for now I have to go balance the interim accounts…
