The wait..

I wait for progress. I wait for development. And I hope, I hope so hard it hurts my heart. And every time the results are negative, I lose everything. My sanity. My breath. Hope.

It flies out of me, out of my house and it leaves me and my husband all alone in this dark, cold world. And for every time we have to pick ourselves up, put ourselves together, we lose a little bit of ourselves and our sense of belonging. We start thinking about the alternatives, pretending that there are alternatives, pretending that we will be all right. But we know we are fooling ourselves. We know, but we don’t tell. In fact we don’t even tell each other. “We will be fine”, he says to me. “As long as we have each other”, I answer him.

But will it really be enough? The black hole grows bigger and bigger and it is so filled up with despair, that it hurts my chest each time I breathe. And as my heart pounds, I feel the accusation; “all-your-fault, all-your-fault” It is me who is not working, who is not able to give him what we need, what we want. If he left me for another, she would be able to give him the world, and I… I would be all alone with just the thought of not being good enough.

I pray for miracles, ‘cause I’ve seen it happen to others. But in my mind, I fear I am not deserving enough, good enough, to receive this blessing. My husband says he has always had this feeling, that he would not father a child, and I too fear that this will be our reality. This hopelessness has taken my heart hostage, and I can’t free myself from it. I see no light in the end of the tunnel. I see only pain and disappointment.

Oh, I have never wanted anything more in my life, I see it so clearly, and still I can’t reach it. I can feel its weight in my arms when I close my eyes, but when I look down, I am holding on to nothing, not even hope.